so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
