i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
