you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
