I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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