Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
