Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
