I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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