what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
