Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
