last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
