I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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