tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
