I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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