Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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