Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
