your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
