You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
