Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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