someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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