his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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