Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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