I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
