Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
