i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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