R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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