How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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