I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I need moral support for this bender
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
