If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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