I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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