Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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