I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
