Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I have aggressive nipples.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
