remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
