I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
