so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
