so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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