Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
