I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize