You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
