I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
