I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize