So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
