im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
