some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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