I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
