on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Everyone says I win the strip club
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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