Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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