it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
