If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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