If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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