a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
