sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
