So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
