she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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