I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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