no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
