You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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