mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
