Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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