smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
