The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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